Advice to the Class of 2011

I don’t want kids. My biological clock never kicked in, and I see babies as random masses of cells and diapers.

Now, my friends’ kids? They’re a different story. I love them madly. Some of them - OK, most of them – call me Crazy Aunt Cathy, probably because I don’t recite puffy platitudes about living when ask me real questions. (“Cathy, why did my best friend make fun of me?” “Because she’s a little jerk, Randi Sue. Drop her.”)

That’s why I got so enraged at the drivel that passed for advice at my friend’s daughter’s high school graduation last week. Granted, I was in Clearwater at 8 a.m. with precious little coffee or food in my system, but even still... The valedictorian promised that the world was a bright and shiny place where you could do anything because fortune smiles on all of us equally.

Had he told his classmates that leprechauns would bring them pots of gold and unicorns would wash their feet with their soft unicorn tongues, this young man could not have described more of a fantasy world. He had no business giving life advice - at 18, you know nothing, despite what you believe.


Here’s some practical advice for the class of 2011, courtesy of my mistakes and successes:

10. Learn to make yourself happy. You cannot depend on anyone else - lovers, parents, children, or friends – for happiness. If you don’t know how to make yourself happy, you’re screwed. Likewise...

9. Don’t waste time trying to make other people happy. You either will or you won’t. If you chase other people’s happiness you’re going to make yourself crazy.

8. Life isn’t fair. Get that idea out of your idealistic young head right now, because fortune doesn’t smile on us all equally. You’ll get passed over for a richly-deserved promotion. Your soulmate will shatter your heart. Accept it and move on. Don’t expect fair, because it won’t happen. You can’t change that. Speaking of which...

7. You will not change the world. I know you just got 57 cash-filled cards expressing exactly the opposite sentiment. Nevertheless, better than 99% of you probably won’t invent an alternative to fossil fuel. But you do have a tremendous power - to change your world, the one you see when you wake up every day. Think small. You are small. In fact...

6. You are not as great as you think. Yeah, I’m looking at you, Mr. “Every Kid’s a Winner” generation. Welcome to the real world, kids, where, at some point, most of you will not be good, smart or pretty enough. I’m not saying you’re dumb and ugly; I’m saying that the Universe is balanced by the truly grand and the supremely hideous. Everyone doesn’t get to be awesome. I know you’ve heard about your greatness since birth, but it’s time you found out...

5. Everybody lies. Ask any cop, priest or reporter and they will tell you I am absolutely correct. This includes you, which is OK as long as you don’t lie to yourself. Everyone else? The trick is figuring out if they lie about whether your dress looks pretty or why there’s a shovel and bag of lime in their trunk. Speaking of lies...

4. “Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” is crap. Trust me on this. I’ve wanted to be a writer since I was eight years old. I love to write. Because it is how I feed myself, I also hate it. No matter how much you love something, when your choices are doing it every damn day or starving, it’s work. Some days I hate writing so much it makes me throw up a little in my mouth to look at my computer. I keep doing it, though, because...

3. Do what you love and the money will follow. I know this sounds counter-intuitive. For me, writing – even those “throwing-up-a-little-in-my-mouth-if-I-have-to-write-about-local-sewer-issues-one-more-time” days – still beats putting on pantyhose and selling term life insurance. So find your own thing that you love, but don’t stress over it too much, because...

2. Only AIDS and children are forever. Nothing lasts, which is a good thing. When I was your age, I had plans. I plotted and dreamed and schemed and got where I wanted to be– and hated it. So I took a do-over, and so can you. All you have to do on any given day is suck breath in and push it out again, so try not to take life too seriously. There’s no prize at the end...

1. The reward is the journey. Honest. It’s hard, and you’ll probably fail at a lot of it, but it’s the most beautiful thing I’ve found. I leave you with this quote from pop culture:

“We aren't here to make things perfect. The snowflakes are perfect. The stars are perfect. Not us. Not us! We are here to ruin ourselves and to break our hearts and love the wrong people and die.”

Have a lovely ride.



Contact Cathy Salustri at CathySalustri@theGabber.com